Sunday, 28 April 2013

I'm Stuck

Have you ever felt like you're stuck? Like you're in a deep hole in the ground with no way out? That's how I feel right now.

I feel unmotivated. Tired. I've covered my room in revision notes and posters because I can't be bothered to open the books. But, I've barely even looked at them. I know bits and bobs, but the whole topic? No way.

I've given myself enough breaks - including the time I'm taking to write this post so really I should be studying. In my mock exams, I got all Bs and above and, for a while, this made me feel really good but I think that it also made me feel too relaxed. Just because I passed the practices doesn't mean I'm going to pass the real thing. Sometimes, like just now, I remind myself of that.

So, why exactly am I stuck? Well, I've gone over the same content, the same information so many times. It's like I'm living the same day everyday (like that movie I forgot the name of). It feels like the exams will be a piece of cake if information actually stayed in my mind. I learn/ revise something one day and then the next day it's gone and I have to revise it again. I know it sounds weird. How do I know what I've forgotten?

There's really no way around it. None that I can think of anyway. I'm well and truly stuck.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Why Do People Care? I Don't

Now, before you stop reading, this isn't about people who care about the world and the environment etc. No, this is about the nosey people. The ones that just want to be in people's businesses whether they're allowed to be or not.

This doesn't mean that I've never been nosey; when something sounds intriguing to me, I definitely have to find out what it's all about. I just don't like it when people go out of there way to purposely find out information about people they don't even talk to. And, trust me, it's never the good kind of information. It's like saying to someone that you like the colour pink and then they pass it down to another person as "hey, did you hear? This person told me that every other colour in the world should exist except for pink."
... Okay, so that's probably an unlikely thing to pass onto someone but you get what I mean. I hope.

The nosey people don't listen. There's lots of misinterpretations and rumours start with the same story exaggerated or just completely changed so that it's nothing like the original - like a game of Chinese Whispers between partially deaf people. I really don't like it. Mainly because there are rumours that go around about my friends and I in school and we don't know where they're coming from. People see us together all happily getting along and yet there are people that walk up to us and ask us why this person and that person are fighting. Our reactions? "What? Since when?" Every single time.

I am completely oblivious to the information passed on around the school. I just don't want to get involved at all and it just makes life so difficult for everyone. I guess rumours can be a good thing because they can show what people really think of you. But, at the same time, it's frightening. You don't know how people view you or what they "know".

You think you know the truth but you don't. When you hear something about someone, make sure it's true and make sure they're fine with you telling other people.

Like I said, it's just a really bad game of Chinese Whispers...

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Sunny Days

I'm pretty sure that, if you're in the UK, this isn't the first time someone's mentioned the sun - either rejoicing it or complaining about it.

I love the sun; it reminds me of the Philippines. I know I wasn't there for long but the warmth on my skin just gives me that hearty feeling of love and security. It also brings everyone's moods up, whether they want it to or not. For me, the sun is a reminder of life and how precious it is (especially if you're in the UK). However, we all know the sun is only a gigantic star at the center of the universe but without the sun, there would be no life, the earth would be too cool to live in and the animals would not survive... well, maybe the penguins and polar bears. Also, it keeps us in orbit. Who knows where we would be by now if it wasn't for that great ball of fire.

I love going for walks - especially when it's sunny. I can barely open my eyes (no racism please) when it's bright since I am quite sensitive to light, but I just love that feeling of being outdoors. That warmth of your skin, that gentle breeze on your hair, the magnificent view of the trees' leaves just gently swaying in sync with each other.

 Every single day the sun is behind those clouds here in Britain and for once, it's decided to shine. So, don't forget to wear your sun lotion guys, or else you'll end up like one of my friends - she's already sun-burnt!

Saturday, 20 April 2013

Who Will Forget?

Yesterday, our whole year got our photos from photo day and I have never looked so bad in a picture. But, I think everyone complained about how they looked whilst complimenting everyone else. And let's not forget, no picture is ever complete without that one person, or in our case, five people with their eyes shut.

However, this did get me thinking - in about 10 or 20 years, who will actually remember each and every one of these people in the photo? We all make these promises to our friends that after we all go our separate ways we'll still keep in contact but who actually keeps those promises?

I'm going to try really hard to make sure I stay with as many friends as possible but this doesn't mean that I won't make any new ones. It's difficult to make sure that this will stay true though - I don't know how far they're going to be from me, how many times a year we'll get to talk or meet up, and I don't know their intentions. Do they even want to keep me as a friend?

Next year, most of us will be staying in our school for 6th Form but this doesn't necessarily mean that we'll all stay in our friendship groups. New people will be joining us and some people might like them better than others. I know that when I started my GCSEs, everyone got moved around so they're in the right classes so  all of the form groups we were in before that had to change. This meant that people didn't see each other as frequently (even though we were all still in the same school). The friends I had before this have all been replaced; all but 3 people are no longer with me. I don't talk to them anymore and it's like they don't exist but they are there.

I've made new friends and I've forgotten old friends. When I see them, it's like they're different people; they act differently; talk differently; dress differently. All because of a small change in the people they surround themselves with.

So, who's going to forget me?

Thursday, 18 April 2013

An Interesting Week

So, this week has been weird. A lot has happened and I'm pretty sure it's going to continue.

First of all, my friends have all somehow doubled in the amount of energy they have per day - I even got one of them to participate in our PE lesson! This was pretty weird for me since the most I've seen my friends usually do is walk a bit then sit down at the nearest thing that's possible to sit on. This is normal for us; we are really lazy.

Another thing, I've put so much work into my art exam preparation that I don't recognize myself anymore. There's a part of me that's determined to do well and there's another part of me that wants to stop. I'm so close to the deadline for this project and I still need to buy a canvas to paint on.

Everyone is general just seems...happier! Our exams are so close and yet everyone seems so relaxed like they have all the time in the world. And me? I'm more stressed out than ever - work during school, work after school with babysitting on the side, waking up to catch a bus in the morning so I actually arrive on time to school. I have never noticed how much school is involved in my life until now. The pressure is on and the exams are 5 weeks away.

My only advice to myself and to others in the same situation is to just breath...

Monday, 15 April 2013

Studying Time

I'm back at school and it's exactly 2 weeks until my first exam. This means that I have to get my head in the books and study, study, study. This also means that my posts from now on will be more erratic. I'm sorry about this and I know some people like reading my blog posts, no matter how stupid they are, but I will try my best.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Behind The Scenes

There are loads of people out there who want to make a difference in the world and it used to get me to ask "Why bother?". Now, this doesn't mean that I'm a selfish and self-centred person because I'm not (sometimes I am); I just didn't get why other people do the things they do. I didn't know if this is because I find it hard to understand people or if it's because I was never exposed to the personal reasons why people help others.

But now, I guess I am. I always understood why I wanted to be a designer when I'm older - I loved drawing and crafts from a young age that it seemed to suit me and I can't find another career more perfect for me - but I could never understand why people wanted to be doctors and nurses; all I could think of when I heard that was blood and broken bones. When my friends tell me they want to have careers in law and politics, I just think of the amount of paperwork involved and, of course, you have to be persuasive and make speeches which is something that I'm not great at.

When you ask someone "Why?", sometimes the answers can get really interesting and I do love listening to my friends talking about their goals in life. You never fully understand why people want to be who they want to be without that story from their hearts and minds. Sometimes, my friends start to question themselves as they speak like they've just doubted themselves and changed their minds whilst they're talking. It's the weirdest thing as a listener to witness but I think it's better for someone to realize that their dream career isn't really their dream career before they start to follow the path towards it.

The reason that I called this post "Behind The Scenes" is because everything that's happened to me has made me realize my potential and my abilities as well as finding me my goal on life. What other people see when they look at you is because of the things that's already happened to you.

Also, this is another thing that you should really reflect on.
Is your goal in life really the goal that you want to acheive?

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Being Scared

So being the unsociable, awkward person that I am, I'm scared of people and it doesn't matter whether or not they're a close friend or some random guy walking past me. I'm one of those people who would rather sit at home and watch TV all day instead of going outside or going to a friend's house to party.
I usually go out to the cinema or shopping with friends once a month (twice if I really have to).

Now, most people may disagree since I'm always happy to talk to people around them but inside I'm really worried and scared that I may say something wrong. There's only about 5 people that I can really talk to out of all of my friends and they're the same people that I can be around and be myself. Most of the time I tend to put up a defensive front because I don't want to become an outcast and I am one of those people who hate questions - especially about my relationship and my friends. I don't know why but I'd rather have people know as little about me as possible.

This blog, this very page that you're scrolling through is probably the best way for me to talk to people in more than a few sentences and I'm not using this as an attempt to make new friends; it's just a way for me to vent and share my thoughts. I guess that this is a fear that can be easily overcome and this also doesn't mean that I'm scared of every human being on the planet. There are a few people that make me feel safe and secure and if I ever get a job, I know that approaching people is one of the main things I'm going to have to do and I will do it.

I know that I'm not the only who's like this - there are 7 billion people in this planet. There's bound to be someone else out there who's scared of people.

Friday, 12 April 2013

Just To Let You Know

Okay, so just to make you people aware, I will keep changing the looks of this blog every so often since I'm still new to this. I will stop when I've found the right look which shouldn't take long and after that I'll keep it as it is. So, don't worry that one person in Germany who reads my blogs and you guys in the UK and USA - It's still me.

You Are Not Perfect

So I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's noticed that the media controls our lives and that the main thing it seems to have an effect on is our views of perfection. Now, even though I do get entranced by these ideas - be it a certain clothing size that I have to be or a new hairstyle - I still would rather be myself. I'm not immune to the powers of society and I'm aware that I can't avoid it either since it's part of everyday life.

There are so many advertisements now on TV and on the Internet etc, that encourage people to lose weight, work out and wear the latest trends and styles. I don't see this as a bad thing since it also encourages people to be healthy but it does have an impact of people's self esteem -  how they see themselves. Usually, these images are quite negative. For example, a teenage girl, such as myself, would want to be a clothing size smaller than they already are and once they reach that size, they want to go down even more. I know people who are clothing sizes of a UK 6-8 who still consider themselves "fat". I don't understand how they come to this conclusion when all I see is a beautiful person who I would love to be as skinny as. But, that's just it. No one in the world anymore wants to be how they would like to be but would rather look like someone else. However, no one seems to notice things like personalities anymore.

I would much rather be friends with someone who's a great person over someone who looks "perfect" but it quite the opposite when it comes to their personality. For me, looks are nothing and I try to keep to this as much belief as much as I can. But, like with any belief, I do get some challenges. If I see someone whilst I'm shopping or just hanging out with friends, there's something inside me that wants to judge them and I'm sure that other people get this feeling too. It just makes it that much harder to treat everyone the same, regardless of how they look.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm a perfect person - I do say things that might offend people and I make mistakes. The perfect person is non-existent and, of course, there are people who come close to being perfect and I respect those people. Everyone has their ideal perfect thing whether it's a certain skill or look or attribute that a person may have. But to have someone that's completely and undeniably perfect is just crazy.

Thursday, 11 April 2013


I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and it's been the best year of my life. But, it's also meant that some of my own friends like going to me for advice like I'm a wizard when it comes to love. That's not true - the only thing that I do when it comes to things like this is follow my heart.

A relationship is all about love and understanding but in this world, it's portrayed as mainly about sex and popularity. Trust is pretty much thrown out of the window as well. There are lots of people on this earth who think that the more people you get with, the better you are. I think pretty much the opposite. You see, when it comes to relationships, it should be taken seriously! No messing around with people's feelings and you should never push them into something that they don't want to do; some people do actually like to take it slow. Also, if you're not happy with your relationship then the best thing to do is to be honest and leave. It will hurt your partner's feelings - that's unavoidable (sorry). But, what you mustn't do is cheat because that'll just hurt them even more.

I have complete trust in my boyfriend and it's nice to know that he's there for me no matter what. I said that relationships are all about understanding and that's what keeps ours together. If you read my previous post then you know that my parents are quite strict in what I can and can't do. Well, being in a relationship is something that they prefer I don't do at least until I finish school but that's never stopped me ( I am such a rebel). I've known him since I was little and I was probably double his height back then and about 2 years ago puberty was nice to him and now he's taller than me. Yes, that is possible so if any short teen guys are reading this then don't worry, your time will come.

Anyway, this does mean that it's difficult for us to spend time together outside of school but we try our best. During school, we're inseperable and this does annoy everyone around us, especially our friends. But we don't really care to be honest. If we still can't get enough of each other after a year then I know that this relationship is going to last.

Now, being in a relationship is nice and all but you shouldn't make it your first priority in life. So many people these days complain about being single and it's really nothing to look down upon. You shouldn't push yourself to be a relationship because unexpected ones are so much better and you feel like you're in that relationship because you want to be and not because you have to be.

...and don't forget - if you're gonna be in a relationship or you're currently in one, love is the most important thing.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

New Ideas

So I have a really big dream - to be a fashion designer. Ideally I want to have my own brand and, no, I don't want to become like Chanel or Dior. Those are the top players of this industry. I just want a simple little high street store that sells my designs and my products. To do this, I need a lot of ideas.

The world of fashion is so diverse these days that it's hard to find something that hasn't been done yet. You have to be innovative (well you have to be anyway) and make sure that your ideas will stand out. I do this through mood boards. I take pictures products already made from bags and shoes to the craziest pieces of couture I have ever seen. My mood boards are probably the most helpful things to me in achieving this dream. Seriously, I mean it and you want to know why? Because I happen to belong in one of the most stereotypical Asian families in the world. My parents do pretty much anything they can to discourage me from living my dream. Sometimes they talk way too loudly on the phone to make sure I can hear everything they're saying - "it's a waste of time", "she won't make it", "she's better off being a professor".Yeah, my parents want me to be a mathematics professor, teaching at high schools and possibly universities. Now, this may not seem like such a high accomplishment for me to have but it's certainly looks better than my goal to be a designer. But that's not gonna stop me.

I have loads of sketches lying around my room, some date all the way back to 2007 (when I was 10). Those drawings aren't the best and most of them were taken off of catalogues I had lying around but I felt that this was a good start. It made me want to learn about fabrics and production and I even take a Textiles course at school and I do some extra stuff after school too. I really wish I could do my own projects such as making my own clothes and bags, but you already know that there's no way that's happening.

This also doesn't mean that I don't focus on my studies - I do. I spend as many hours as I can revising for the Summer exams and doing homework as well. I know that school will always come first in my life.

I just wish that I have more time for myself and the choice to things that I want to do. Both of my parents are so busy that I'm pretty much the parental authority of this house. Whenever there's something wrong, my little siblings would rather tell me instead of my parents, even if they're just sitting next to each other.

Well, that's all for now and I really apologize for the long post and the amount of reading you had to do.

Also, it seems like I'm going to be posting every day until I get back to school on Monday so make sure to keep an eye out.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Reputation and Bullying

So I'm currently on a term break from school like all other students in the UK, and I thought this would be a good time to talk about reputation.

Every school has their cliques, friendships groups, gangs, whatever you want to call it - and each one has something that they're known for. There's the jocks, the geeks, the gamers, the girly girls, the emos and the goths. Fortunately, in my friendship group, there's a few from each of these sets so we're not sure what to call ourselves other than simply "friends".
You see, I don't believe that you should be friends with people just because you fit in with them and are exactly like them. There's no reason why a jock shouldn't be friends with a goth! Put your differences aside and you never know, you might even end up dating.

Reputations are important everywhere - in school, at work and even in normal places of leisure such as restaurants. It's also important to make sure that your reputation is a good one and not a bad one. Think about who you are at school? Are you the bully? Are you the one who's an easy target for bullies? Or are you the one who stands up for yourself? I know this is a really cliche and common example but it's the one that does relate to a lot of people. I've seen the videos people post of others being bullied and it gets me thinking - is that really what you want to be known for? Someone who makes other people feel bad?

If you can't relate to this then good for you because I've experienced both sides and trust me, neither side was fun. Bullying made me realize that the only way for me feel good about myself was to put others down and also made me realize how low my self esteem was and I was around 10 years old. Then, when I got into secondary school, I became a target because I tried hard in lessons and never did anything wrong. I felt that I changed for the better - I made friends with the people I hurt. Now, I'm not bullied and I don't think anyone really is in my school anymore. It shocks me how much it happens in other schools though.

Now, let's go back to reputation as a whole. Do you think your reputation is the one to suit you? Or would you like it to change?
Are the people in your school clearly divided or do you all talk to each other at some point during the day?
I bet there's someone in another group that you're just dying to get to know.

Anyway, I hope you have a little reflection on yourself like I did. You never know, there might be a better you inside just dying to get out.

Monday, 8 April 2013

My First Blog

Okay, so this is my first blog and I have no idea what I'm going to do with this - I just thought I'd try something new.

So, hey! My name's Pauline (well actually it's Mya but I prefer Pauline) and this is my blog. I'm probably going to post just my thoughts whenever I can and I can't make any promises that I'm going to be consistent with this but I'll try and post as much as I can.

You probably want to know a bit about me first so you know the person who's actually writing this blog so here's some pretty basic information:

  • I am Filipino but have been living in England since I was 6 years old. I have developed a pretty good British accent because I moved here at quite a young age.
  • I have 2 younger sisters and 3 younger brothers - the house is never quiet.
  • My birthday is a month before Christmas.
  • Purple is my favourite colour.
I'm not bothered about the popularity of this blog, I just want to share my thoughts with whoever can be bothered to read this.